when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
