I want to make a zoo with you.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
