During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
