I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
