Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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