can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
