I wish my penis had an off switch
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
