just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
