Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
