she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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