I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
