did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
