if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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