we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
