One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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