You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
zippers are such a cool invention
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
