In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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