I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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