If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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