Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
