I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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