new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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