My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
