Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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