I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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