Don't make out with my wife yet
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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