I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
