I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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