I only kidnapped one of them. chill
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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