Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
