he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
