i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
