I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
