My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
This baby is an asshole
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
