when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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