my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
