I accidentally burped into my bong.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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