you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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