Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
