i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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