i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
