omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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