My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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