speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
