This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
