Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Boobs speak an international language.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
