cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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