Don't make out with my wife yet
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
