I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
