Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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